More enjoyable than a colonoscopy.


Cliffnotes review:
More enjoyable than a colonoscopy.

This film goes to: 3
Rated (PG-13)
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Iain Glen, John Voight, Noah Taylor
Written by: Sara Cooper, Mike Werb
100 minutes
Paramount Pictures
Official site

Would someone please let me know when a decent film is made from a video game? Seriously, I want to be informed. Yet another "Blockbuster" from the summer of suck, "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" dishes up all style and no substance in a special effects laden romp that seems to invest more importance in scenery than storytelling.

One convoluted scenario after another is loosely tied together with a tedious back-story of Lara Croft's (large-breastedly played by Angelina Jolie) missing-and-presumed-dead father (wax-figuredly portrayed by Jolie's real father, John Voight). The bad guys are predictably bad and the invincibility of Croft creates little that could be construed as suspense or apt storytelling. Every action sequence (and trust me, there are plenty) is chock full of traps and creatures that are systematically overcome by the acrobatic Croft. When any real danger rears its ugly head, the source is quickly overcome without tremendous effort or much in the way of anything that creates a sense of worry.

The "story" works as an Indiana Jones rip-off with the aligning of the planets causing great concern for a shadowy group of individuals who wish to reunite the pieces of an ancient relic in order to gain power over time. In a dream, Lara is told of a key that must be used to unlock the pieces of the puzzle and is then given clues to the whereabouts of the first of the pieces itself. Bad guys (headed by evil-lawyer Iain Glen and ethically-compromised rival archaeologist Daniel Craig) try to beat Croft to the prize in order to rule the world and, well… you get the point.

On the plus side, the larger-than-life sets are artfully crafted and some of the special effects are handled with skill (others fall far short of the mark). And, then again, there is always the eye-candy appeal of Jolie and her, uh, "assets" but if you are seriously interested in seeing more of Ms. Jolie, rent "Gia" or wait for the inevitable theft of her and Billy Bob Thorton's candid sex tape.

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Critter Critique: This week's review brought to you by Gavin.
Fatal Attraction:  Yet another example of Hollywood schlock served up in a double boiler. Though Fatal Attraction starts innocently enough, I was shocked and appalled to witness the on-screen atrocity put forth as entertainment in act three. Trust me, this one is not fit for man nor beast. Ginger Pants